It's Very Nearly Perfect
by kelkie
Summary: A little bit of comedy.The Deatheaters have pixie sticks and the good guys have a super duper plan to finally rid the world of Voldemort. Does it involve licorice?, well Ron sure would like it to. Voldemort,Harry,Snape and the rest...
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Don't own it, wish I did

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Chapter 1: In Which The Conference Begins

"Hello. Hello? Is this thing on? Testing, testing. One, two, three." The microphone screeched as Lord Voldmort adjusted it.

"We can hear you!" yelled some lowly deatheater seated in the back row. We will call this poor, unlucky deatheater Bob. His name is not Bob, mind. His name has been modified to protect the recently deceased. Bob yelled out to the Dark Lord, and as one knows it is not a smart idea to bring attention to oneself during a deatheater rally. Really, it is just not clever thinking.

"Can someone take care of him please?" demanded Voldemort, easily angered little bugger that he was.

"Does this mean I get tea and jammy dodgers, now?" asked Bob.

"No," said Voldemort.

With that decision five deatheaters jumped up and 'Avada Kedrava'ed poor Bob. While one wizard attempted to perform a particularly complicated hex that involved much wand jiggling and odd latin-esque words, which ended up turning Bob into a penguin, a dead penguin, but a penguin none-the-less.

"Good. Sit down please, sit down," said Voldemort, as he tried to calm the rabble-rousers in the crowd. Eventually the deatheaters were all seated and silent.

"Welcome!" he said grandly, his red eyes flashing with ecstasy, not the drug, the emotion. "Welcome, minions, to the Second Annual Deatheater Conference!" There was much applause and rejoicing from the audience, "I hope everyone remembered to bring their masks?" asked Voldemort eagerly.

There was much nodding from the crowd. Voldmort gave an angry look, and without a second nudging the crowd began to put on their masks.

"I would like a few of my choice minions to come up here, on this stage today, and tell you all what being a deatheater means to them. Let's give a round of applause for Lucius Malfoy everybody! Lucius Malfoy!" Voldemort applauded as he walked off the stage, his large black cloak billowing behind him.

A tall, blonde haired man in a multicolored mask took the stage. "Hi, thank you Dark Lord Almighty. Hi, everyone. Well, wow. Wow. It is an honor to be up here today. Let's give a big round of applause to Lord Voldemort for putting this little event together!" Lucius paused, and the room launched into rancorous applause. Lord Voldemort giggled and blushed, causing himself to clash with his eyes. "Okay. Well, back to the presentation, right? I am honored to be here today, but I said that already, didn't I? Okay. So, Lord Voldemort wants me to tell you what it means to me to be a deatheater. Words tend to fail me, so I decided that I would have to show you. This year I decided to decorate my mask in a way that would exemplify my feelings towards the deatheaters. The best club I have ever belonged to, may I add. Even better than my own club from the early Hogwarts days, 'IGANA-Icky Girls Are Not allowed!' So back to my mask, look at this. You'll notice that I covered my lips, it's like I'm a ventriloquist, you can't see me speak! That is symbolic. We do not question are lord and master because we know that his judgment is most excellent. Also my mask is painted with a rainbow of colors and star sparkles. Now the rainbow is meant to show how diverse we are, yet we all come together under the great Voldemort. Finally, the star sparkles are because we enjoy working under the cover of night, we are dark, and we enjoy a Chardonnay at midnight on a checkered picnic blanket under the stars." There was much chuckling and applause at this comment.

Lucius looked to Voldemort and nodded. Voldemort returned to the stage and gave Lucius a pat on his sycophantic shoulder. "Thank you, Lucius."

"You are most welcome, My Liege," said Lucius before returning to his seat in the front row.

"Now, to business," said Voldemort, as he finagled with a little button device which was meant to start the slide show.

"To business!" exclaimed the crowd.

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A/N : Hi, all, thanks for reading this bit of nonsense! Please review, if you feel so inclined. Another chapter should be up soon!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Consider this disclaimed I don't own Potter

Thanks to my reviewers!

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Chapter 2: The Good Guys and The Super Duper Most Excellent Extra Spicy Totally Sure To Succeed Plan To Destroy Lord Thingy Once And For All...Version A

"Order, order!" Harry demanded of the feisty crowd. Harry and the few remaining members of the Order of the Phoenix were sitting in a falling down mess of a room trying to hold a meeting, and failing miserably.

Severus Snape still had his fanciful mask in his back pocket and was now grumbling about how he had been forced to skip the limbo competition in order to make it to this pointless meeting. "Do we even get guacamole? The Dark Lord had chips, dip and pixie sticks. I am missing out on pixie sticks here people! Let's get this meeting started," he complained. Before muttering under his breathe, "damn Potter and his horrible timing."

Moody poked Snape in the stomach with his wand to try to get him to stop being so damn negative. Snape grunted and looked at the old man angrily, "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" screeched the psycho before running away and hiding behind Harry. He then said "quit complaining you big ninny and be happy we aren't flailing you alive for your lack of personal hygiene. It's on the schedule you know! So just watch out, you," Moody warned.

Snape rolled his eyes and sat down on the uncomfortable wooden floor. There were no chairs; apparently the good guys couldn't be bothered to have chairs.

"All right, hey everyone. We're here today to talk about the Grand Master Super Plan To Destroy Voldemort…Version A. Now, because I have absolutely no idea how to read shorthand and that is what my notes are written it, I will call Hermione up here to help me out. Red rover, red rover we call Hermione over!" Harry paused, waiting for a laugh that would never come. He frowned then left the stage.

"Hi!" Hermione smiled and waved at the crowd. If you could call the paltry amount of people in this dilapidated room a crowd. "Hi," she tried out again, before staring down at her notes. "All right, what we've got here is the Super Duper Grand Master Super Plan To Destroy Lord Thingy…Version A. Anyone who we don't trust will be asked to leave the room now and will be allowed back when we go over the Plan C, the cover version that we will under no circumstance actually execute but which we will leave in many cubby holes and bar tables for the enemy to have many chances to gain our leaked information. Okay. People not allowed: Severus Snape," said Hermione.

"So, I have to leave this party because I'm not trusted. I get it. I understand. You realize that I missed the piñata for this meeting. Thanks. Thanks a lot you guys. Didn't any of you ever listen when Dumbledore said I was trustworthy, redeemed, a spy! Jeebus," Snape said.

"Well, you did kill Dumbledore," said Hermione, logically as always.

"Paltry details, five points from Gryffindor for being an insufferable know-it-all."

"We aren't in school, Severus, so stop tormenting my students. And if you just washed your hair, once even, and tried to smile then maybe we would let you hear the Super Duper Extra Spicy Mega Plan To Destroy Evil People. First impressions matter Severus. Lord knows I'm desperate enough, and even I won't shag you," piped up Minerva McGonagall.

"Thank you. Snape?" urged Hermione.

"I'm going, I'm going," said Snape as he walked out the door.

"All right, and to keep Snape company how about Knucklebottom, why don't you go wait with him?" suggested Hermione.

A three foot tall man jumped in front of Hermione. He had a long, pointy red beard and an equally pointy green hat that had a red bobble on the end. "Ye a' discriminatin' 'gainst lep'echauns ye argh! Ai 'ave eve'y right to be 'ere s'much as anyone else!"

"We know, Kingston, but we don't particularly need you for this mission and we'd rather someone was with Snape so that he doesn't sneak off to the fun party. Please, Mr. Kuncklebottom. Please, Kingston. For me?" begged Hermione.

"Ye argh a clevah one, lass. Ai know why ye don'tah wan' me a'ound. Ye're all out to steal me lucky cha'ms! Ye'll nevah git ye're 'ands on me lucky cha'ms!" screeched the leprechaun before hopping out of the room, presumably to either check on Snape or check on how things at the end of the rainbow were.

"All right, anyone else who Harry doesn't particularly want here?" Hermione asked. Harry shook his head. "Okay then. So we have decided upon a Super Extra Good Killer Plan, Better Then All Your Stupid Plans, Plan So We Can Destroy The Most Evilest Person On Earth. First we have some business to get out of the way. Someone parked a yellow Ford out in a no parking zone; your car will be towed if it is not removed post haste." Hermione began flipping through the notes. "Voldemort is evil. Voldemort is evil and was able to book an entire convention hall for his meeting of supreme evilness while all we got was this shack. After the meeting there will be ice cream sundaes courtesy of Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes, I'm not going near them. There is only one thing to fear and that is fear itself, so be pretty much terrified of the dementors. I think that's all with the little stuff. Now Harry is going to come back up here and explain the Top Secret Super Duper Finally Destroy Voldie-Pie Once And For All Plan…Version A," said Hermione. Who then walked away from the front of the room and sat down on the floor next to Ron.

Harry walked up and took her spot. "Thank you Hermione, I appreciate that. Now have I got a Super Duper Sure Fire Guaranteed to Work Good Plan To Destroy An Evil Person Plan for you!" exclaimed Harry to the applauding crowd. "All right, so first, Voldemort is going to capture me. Because, somehow, no matter how many guards I have watching out for my life I will get myself in trouble and get captured. So when Voldemort catches me I make sure I have my wand and several back up wands. Voldemort will turn his back to yell at someone and then I will perform a particularly nasty and difficult hex and turn him into a penguin. Once he is a penguin the death eaters will run away, because everyone knows that death eaters are scared of tuxedos, and penguins look like they're wearing tuxedos. I will then pick up Voldemort and we will send him to the San Francisco Zoo where they will feed him and take care of him and little children will play with him. The Great Plan To Destroy Voldemort…Version B is slightly different. In that plan we hide under rocks until a particularly infectious bought of pneumonia comes along and does away with Voldie. We all know he can't have all his shots. So…what do you think?" asked Harry anxiously.

"I love it!" screamed random person number 1.

"It's fantastic!" yelled random person number 2.

"I love how you've even managed to work torture in!" exclaimed random person number 3.

"Are we done now?" asked random person number 4, whom everyone glared at.

"All right, thank you for your input. If you will all deposit fifty pence in this jar here then you will each receive your copy of the real plan and the fake plan, don't get them confused. Can someone call Snape and Knucklebottom back in? We're ready to explain the cover plan," said Harry.

Someone walked out of the room and returned post-haste with Snape. Snape was frowning, with a reason. He was frowning because Knucklebottom was sitting on his shoulders playing with his hair. Right now Snape's hair was in a fascinating French twist. While Knucklebottom played with Snape's hair he was singing "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean" in a terribly out of key voice.

"I hate you Potter," said Snape.

Harry smiled weakly before beginning to explain the cover plan. A plan which involved several meters of wire, a white sheet with two holes for eyes, a green giant and a cage made out of licorice. When Harry finished explaining Ron stood up.

"I think we should do that one. That is an awesome plan," said Ron.

"Ron, sit down," sighed an exasperated Hermione.

"But Hermione, it's fantastic and he'd never expect it," Ron whispered to her.

"Shut it, Ron," said Hermione.

"All right!" said Harry, calling attention back to himself. "We are done here. Make sure you deposit your money and pick up your pamphlets. The ice cream sundaes are in the hall on the left. Thank you everybody for your time!" said an extremely excited Harry.

As Snape walked out, with Knucklebottom still on his shoulders, he pointed his finger at Harry. "I missed Bingo for this, Potter."

"Errr…sorry!" said Harry, before ushering everyone out of the room. He picked up the jar and shook it; the sound of money was music to his ears. "Screw the prophecy! I'm  
heading to Rio baby!"

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You've read- now please review! Chapter 3 should be up soon! 


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